General Banter.

Social Banter between Cybercaders on non-Americade Subjects.

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WCLamb
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Re: General Banter.

Postby WCLamb » Mon Feb 06, 2017 12:23 pm

Not yer day...

The next time you get a bit cranky and things don't seem to be going quite your way, think about this poor guy:


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BE CAREFUL OUT THERE!
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Re: General Banter.

Postby David from Rhode Island » Tue Feb 07, 2017 2:45 pm

Ouch!! I can feel his pain all the way here in Rhode Island!!
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Re: General Banter.

Postby WCLamb » Sun Feb 12, 2017 1:55 pm

I'm a guy, she's single... She lives right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window.

I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and have s*x tonight. Are you doing anything?

"I replied, "Nope, I'm free!"

"Great," she said. "Can you watch my dog?"

Being a senior citizen really sucks!
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Re: General Banter.

Postby WCLamb » Wed Feb 15, 2017 4:05 pm

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
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Re: General Banter.

Postby WCLamb » Wed Feb 22, 2017 1:55 pm

Strange Male Perspectives on Marriage


I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
- Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
- Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
- Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
- James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
- Anonymous
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Re: General Banter.

Postby WCLamb » Wed Feb 22, 2017 1:58 pm

Trivial Trivia


Red and blue are the most popular tie colors in the U.S.

A mother kangaroo is called a "flyer."

Fingernails are made out of the same stuff as horse hooves, bird talons, bull horns, and bear claws.

In Great Britain, rummage sales are called "jumble sales."

In the opening procession of the Olympics, the team representing the host nation always marches last.

"Horripilation" is the medical term for goosebumps.

Thirty-four percent of Microsoft employees are Indian.

American electric razors hum in the key of B flat. Razors in England, however, buzz in the key of G.

The pilgrims took apart the Mayflower and used the wood to build a barn.

Forty percent of people in America have never been to see a dentist.

A cosmic year is the amount of time it takes the Sun to revolve around the center of the Milky Way. That's about 225 million years.

Major league baseball bats are made of ash.

Just about half of the people charged with homicide in the US are convicted of the crime.

Toys R Us was originally the Children's Supermart.

The first portable calculator placed for sale by Texas Instruments, in 1972, weighed 2.5 pounds and cost $150.

Melba toast is named after Australian opera singer Dame Nellie Melba.

Sixty percent of Americans can name all Three Stooges. Just 17 percent can name three Supreme Court judges.

The back of the human hand is the "opisthenar."

Norway has won more total medals at the Winter Olympic Games than any other nation.

The official name of Rhode Island, used on all state documents, is Rhode Island and Providence Plantations.
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Re: General Banter.

Postby WCLamb » Thu Feb 23, 2017 4:00 pm

HOT AND COLD S E X

After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "you appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"in fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have s*x with my wife, I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have s*x with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

Later, after examining the man's elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

She replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having s*x with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August.
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David from Rhode Island
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Re: General Banter.

Postby David from Rhode Island » Fri Feb 24, 2017 2:10 pm

Trivial Trivia
Correction...the official name of Rhode Island is "State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations". The biggest name for the smallest state.
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Re: General Banter.

Postby WCLamb » Mon Mar 06, 2017 4:38 pm

A Cure for Anger

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?" The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."


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Re: General Banter.

Postby WCLamb » Tue Mar 07, 2017 3:24 pm

4 Husbands


The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly. She explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's. Now, in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
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Re: General Banter.

Postby WCLamb » Tue Mar 07, 2017 3:47 pm

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have to like 'em!

We were both dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned on the answering machine, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat out in the backyard.

Then we phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had just put out in the yard scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house, because she always tries to eat the bird.

So my wife went on out to the taxi while I went back inside to get the cat.

The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night, so she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon, saying "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab.

'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car.
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Re: General Banter.

Postby WCLamb » Thu Mar 09, 2017 2:24 pm

An oldie...but worth repeating...

A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO


Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco the Wonder Dog, who weighs 191 lbs.

I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?

So, because I'm retired and have little to do -- on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, that I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that the diet works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Tell this (especially) to all your retired friends...it will be their laugh for the day.
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Re: General Banter.

Postby WCLamb » Wed Mar 15, 2017 6:35 am


Dogs And Computers: Same Or Different?


Favorite Food
Dogs: kibbles
Computers: bits

Method used to end undesirable behavior
Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper
Computers: hit control-alt-delete

After destruction of personal property
Dogs: dog not found
Computers: file not found

Favorite trick
Dogs: roll over
Computers: play dead

Comic-page hero
Dogs: Dogbert
Computers: Dilbert

Fun way to mess with their heads
Dogs: peanut butter on roof of mouth
Computers: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive

Consequence of virus
Dogs: replace valuable carpeting
Computers: replace valuable data

Waste disposal tool
Dogs: pooper-scooper
Computers: CCleaner

Sensitive internal procedures
Dogs: must be undertaken by fully qualified professional
Computers: may be undertaken by that guy at work who fixed one kind of like this once

Method of marking territory
Dogs: lifting leg
Computers: "Designed for Windows"

Unique behavior
Dogs: lick and drag
Computers: click-and-drag

Inexplicable physical feature
Dogs: declaw
Computers: scroll lock key

Estimated lifespan
Dogs: 12 years
Computers: 12 months


(Now you know why I prefer CATS!)
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Re: General Banter.

Postby WCLamb » Sun Mar 19, 2017 11:28 am

North Dakota Bank Robbery

A hooded robber burst into a North Dakota bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave North Dakota customer grabbed the robber's hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.

The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There were a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak.

Then, one old Norwegian named Ole from North Dakota tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."


Don't blame me for this one... this was Nita's joke!
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Re: General Banter.

Postby WCLamb » Thu Mar 23, 2017 6:48 pm


A FASCINATING SHORT SEA STORY

The passenger steamer SS Warrimoo was quietly knifing its way through the waters of the mid-Pacific on its way from Vancouver to Australia. The navigator had just finished working out a star fix and brought the master, Captain John Phillips, the result. The Warrimoo's position was LAT 0º 31' N and LON 179 30' W. The date was 31 December 1899.

"Know what this means?" First Mate Payton broke in. "We're only a few miles from the intersection of the Equator and the International Date Line".

Captain Phillips was prankish enough to take full advantage of the opportunity for achieving the navigational freak of a lifetime. He called his navigators to the bridge to check & double check the ships position. He changed course slightly so as to bear directly on his mark. Then he adjusted the engine speed. The calm weather & clear night worked in his favor.

At midnight the SS Warrimoo lay on the Equator at exactly the point where it crossed the International Date Line! The consequences of this bizarre position were many:

The forward part (bow) of the ship was in the Southern Hemisphere and in the middle of summer.

The rear (stern) was in the Northern Hemisphere and in the middle of winter.

The date in the aft part of the ship was 31 December 1899.

In the bow (forward) part it was 1 January 1900.

This ship was therefore not only in:

Two different days,
Two different months,
Two different years,
Two different seasons

But in two different centuries - all at the same time.

GO NAVY!
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