General Banter.

Social Banter between Cybercaders on non-Americade Subjects.

Moderators: Site Admin, WCLamb

User avatar
GSinNC
Posts: 2783
Joined: Thu Nov 06, 2003 9:58 pm
Location: Charlotte, North Carolina
Contact:

Re: General Banter.

Postby GSinNC » Mon Mar 02, 2015 8:03 pm

Important Life Insights!

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people.
I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.
People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands.
If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.

4. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers.
Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?
That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today.
That makes five years in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim".
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers.
If you find one, what's your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
Ed Apelian
Image
2016 BMW R1200RT
2012 BMW R1200GSA

Image

Mainah
Posts: 2164
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 1:51 pm
Location: Augusta, Maine
Contact:

Re: General Banter.

Postby Mainah » Mon Mar 09, 2015 7:56 am

An oldie but a goodie, sorta like some of us. :shock:
AAADD

They have finally found a diagnosis for my condition. Hooray!! I have recently been diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.! Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it goes:

I decide to wash the car. I start toward the garage and I notice the mail on the table. Ok, I'm going to wash the car, but first I'm going to go through the mail.

I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the trash can is full. Ok, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trash can out. But since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first.

Now, where is my checkbook? Oops, there's only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk. Oh, there's the coke I was drinking. I'm going to look for those checks. But first I need to put my coke further away from the computer. Oh, maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while.

I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye; they need some water. I set the coke on the counter and uh oh! There are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put them away first.

I fill a container with water and head for the flower pots - Aaaaaagh! Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We'll never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs.

I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do?

End of Day:

The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys! When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!!

I realize this is a serious condition and I'll get help, BUT FIRST I think I'll check my e-mail...

Please send this to everyone you know because I DON'T REMEMBER TO WHOM I'VE SENT THIS!!!
It's never too late to have a happy childhood.


Image

User avatar
WCLamb
Staffer
Posts: 5345
Joined: Sat Nov 01, 2003 9:11 am
Location: Mullica Hill, NJ USA
Contact:

Re: General Banter.

Postby WCLamb » Sun Apr 12, 2015 6:14 pm

Everything I Need to Know:

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
20. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
24. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
26. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.
27. Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery.
28. No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.
29. Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing.
30. Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.
31. Never pass a snow plow on the right.
Image
Image

TheShadow
Posts: 787
Joined: Mon Mar 29, 2010 9:43 am
Contact:

Re: General Banter.

Postby TheShadow » Mon Apr 20, 2015 1:36 pm

Radianguy, I can't follow you on twitter, I'm not a bird, only a Biker. :D LOL
Image

User avatar
WCLamb
Staffer
Posts: 5345
Joined: Sat Nov 01, 2003 9:11 am
Location: Mullica Hill, NJ USA
Contact:

Re: General Banter.

Postby WCLamb » Fri May 01, 2015 7:38 am


Confucius said all that? He way too clever

Confucius Say:

It's OK to let a fool kiss you, but don't let a kiss fool you.

A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.

It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.

A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest.

Viagra is like Disneyland... a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want.

A joke is like s*x. Neither is any good if you don't get it.
Image
Image

User avatar
WCLamb
Staffer
Posts: 5345
Joined: Sat Nov 01, 2003 9:11 am
Location: Mullica Hill, NJ USA
Contact:

Re: General Banter.

Postby WCLamb » Wed May 13, 2015 7:41 am

Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."

Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."

HOT DOG! The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"

The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up the registration table, and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."

The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."

They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan - OH NO! He's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.

They spot him walking with a roll of barbed wire under his arm. He walks up the registration table and states: "Foster Bean. Vermont USA. Fencing."
Image
Image

User avatar
WCLamb
Staffer
Posts: 5345
Joined: Sat Nov 01, 2003 9:11 am
Location: Mullica Hill, NJ USA
Contact:

Re: General Banter.

Postby WCLamb » Fri May 15, 2015 8:27 am


Random thoughts as we age
(some oldies, and some new ones)

The biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes and come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop making me mad!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is salad!!!

And, of course… Have I sent this to you already… or did you send this to me?



Image
Image

TheShadow
Posts: 787
Joined: Mon Mar 29, 2010 9:43 am
Contact:

Re: General Banter.

Postby TheShadow » Mon May 18, 2015 7:07 pm

Very good WC, They get more true every year! OMG
Image

User avatar
WCLamb
Staffer
Posts: 5345
Joined: Sat Nov 01, 2003 9:11 am
Location: Mullica Hill, NJ USA
Contact:

Re: General Banter.

Postby WCLamb » Sun Oct 11, 2015 3:43 pm

How to earn Respect:

After retiring, a former Gunny Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable when he wore his suit coat. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence...

The rest of the year went smoothly.
Image
Image

User avatar
WCLamb
Staffer
Posts: 5345
Joined: Sat Nov 01, 2003 9:11 am
Location: Mullica Hill, NJ USA
Contact:

Re: General Banter.

Postby WCLamb » Sat Dec 19, 2015 8:50 am

Sometimes a great e-mail comes along and is worth repeating, even if we've seen it before...

THIS IS US !

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.

HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took...
The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement or
God out of government and school.

And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!

And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.

Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!

YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I'm the life of the party... Even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps... With a hammer.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe, secure place -- somewhere.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.

Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them, but I would send it to many more too!

Spread the laughter - Share the cheer
Let's be happy - While we're here.

And, MAY GOD BLESS AMERICA -- AND MAY AMERICA BLESS GOD!

Go Green -- Recycle CONGRESS!!
(AND MERRY CHRISTMAS TOO!)
Image
Image

User avatar
WCLamb
Staffer
Posts: 5345
Joined: Sat Nov 01, 2003 9:11 am
Location: Mullica Hill, NJ USA
Contact:

Re: General Banter.

Postby WCLamb » Sun Jan 31, 2016 7:04 pm

One day on the golf course, a golfer accidentally overturned his golf cart. A very attractive woman, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise, came out onto her balcony and called out to him,

"Hey, are you okay"?

"I'm fine, thanks," he replied.

"You look frazzled", the woman said, "Come up to my villa for a drink and I will help you get the cart up afterwards."

"That's mighty nice of you," he answered, But I don't think my wife would like that."

"Oh, come on," the woman, a gorgeous brunette in a sexy bikini, insisted. "I can see you've cut your head. It could be serious. Let me take care of that right away. I'm a nurse".

She was very persuasive....and he was weak.

"Well okay," he agreed, but added, "But my wife won't like it."

After she bandaged his wound, she gave him a most welcome brandy. They talked a little about golf and he discovered she was an avid golfer with a four handicap. When he confessed to a weakness in his putting, she gave him a putting lesson holding him close and intimately as she did so.

Finally he confessed, "I feel a lot better now, but I had better get going. I know my wife is going to be really upset with me being here with you."

"Don't be silly! the woman said with a smile, she won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart," he replied.
Image
Image

User avatar
WCLamb
Staffer
Posts: 5345
Joined: Sat Nov 01, 2003 9:11 am
Location: Mullica Hill, NJ USA
Contact:

Re: General Banter.

Postby WCLamb » Sun Jan 31, 2016 7:07 pm

Proofreading...... a lost art.
(Dumbed down schools... the source of a few chuckles.)


Did I read that sign right?
"TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW."

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...

Spotted in a safari park:
(I sure hope so.)
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - BELL DOESN'T WORK.)

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife And Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya' think?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya' think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
Image
Image

User avatar
WCLamb
Staffer
Posts: 5345
Joined: Sat Nov 01, 2003 9:11 am
Location: Mullica Hill, NJ USA
Contact:

Re: General Banter.

Postby WCLamb » Sun Jan 31, 2016 7:19 pm

RED LIGHT


The light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating
through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and her makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger, and cursing at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. So naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car.'' (Priceless)
Image
Image

ROADCAPTAIN
Posts: 211
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2009 5:01 pm
Location: Parsippany NJ, Morris Co. USA
Contact:

Re: General Banter.

Postby ROADCAPTAIN » Sat Feb 06, 2016 9:55 pm

WC,
I'm not hijacking your thread, but, have you ever eaten @ the "King Neptune" in LGV?
2004 GL1800,115,000 mi Dyna-Beads, DarkSider #494, Mich Alpin RF
2013 Ultra Classic
Bushtec Turbo + 2
Formerly Bassnman
1st Officer SCRC Chapter #173 North Jersey
Image

User avatar
WCLamb
Staffer
Posts: 5345
Joined: Sat Nov 01, 2003 9:11 am
Location: Mullica Hill, NJ USA
Contact:

Re: General Banter.

Postby WCLamb » Sun Feb 07, 2016 11:37 am

ROADCAPTAIN wrote:WC,
I'm not hijacking your thread, but, have you ever eaten @ the "King Neptune" in LGV?

Uh, no Pat. Never heard of it. Don't know where it is or anything about it. But... I might find out come June... Sounds like a seafood place, and I tend to stick to beef, pork, and poultry. But it never hurts to find out for "otters".
Image
Image


Return to “CyberCaders”

cron